my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
