he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
