You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Randomize
