Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
