Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
