Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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