not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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