Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
