I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
