We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
