Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
