You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
