I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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