She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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