I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize