Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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