I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
