NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
