My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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