I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
being pregnant is like rehab
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
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