Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
