If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
