dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
handjob tips. give me some.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
