help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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