I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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