i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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