I'm laying in your front yard are you home
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
