i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She's the barista slut.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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