I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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