Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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