my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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