I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
