Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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