dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
