He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
