I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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