I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
