I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
