I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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