Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
