i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
