i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
