this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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