if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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