Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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