So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
