Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
