you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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