There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize