So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
