I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
