He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
