you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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