I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't deserve a penis
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
