i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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