You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
