The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
When did angry sex become our thing?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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