I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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