Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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