haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
