you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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