I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
