i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
