I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
