i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
