I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I need to sanitize my soul.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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