I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
