Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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