I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
